Monday, April 9, 2012

Measure Twice, Cut Once


My diabetic status marks me with the health care system's scarlet letter, D. In my experience, doctors tend to judge diabetics at the same time very likely incompetent and probably guilty of something sinister. Maybe eating honey buns off of the floor or mainlining cotton candy. I was scheduled a phone pre-op after establishing my blood sugar history with my surgeon. One and a half business days prior to my tendon repair, Duke Ambulatory Surgery Center contacted me at the last moment and informed me I had to attend a pre-op audition to ensure I was a proper candidate for mutilation. I managed to shuffle around my schedule enough to create the appropriate bureaucracy sized hole and high tailed it to the last appointment Friday. Weighed, EKG'd, bloodletted, and measured, I was deemed worthy and awarded my CHG surgical hand scrub.

New party game: pin the scar on the ankle. Can't wait to see
where the surgeon adds his signature.
I spent Saturday prepping the house for a handsome, humble, charming, but clumsy invalid. I removed all of the rugs, built pillow stacks for elevating legs, and stocked up at the grocery store. My birthday fell on Easter Sunday this year and Penny and I cooked every protein save the Cadberry bunny to stock pile low carbohydrate friendly meals. 5 lbs chicken, 4 lbs ham, 4 lbs corned beef, 1 lb bacon. After adding Saturday's 48 cheese sticks to the inventory, I lightly wet a bottle of Lipitor pills, dried them together in the sun, added a string and hung them as a medicine lick next to the refrigerator door. 

Last flight of the Dodo. I got 2 barefoot miles in against
 medical advice 5 days presurgery.
Thankfully, Monday brought the normal distractions of work to speed the passage of the countdown to surgery clock. I drank 128 ounces of water to ensure hydration and an undisturbed night sleep. I cautiously avoided yard work, taking out the trash, washing the dishes and flossing to prevent any skin breaks. As part of my just say no to MRSA campaign, Penny scrubbed me down with a mop and the agent orange turpentine doctors scrub. I set 3 alarms for 3:45, 3:50, and 3:55.


Our self-starring Doomsday Preppers episode ended with my birthday present from Penny. A Roscoe Knee Scooter. I am hoping my bike helmet will complete the Easy Rider Captain America image.






I am still planning the custom paint.


diatribeNine

2 comments:

  1. Good luck on your surgery and a speedy recovery.

    ReplyDelete